Something Ridiculously Odd
by BattKattColourBlak
Summary: This had got to be the oddest thing I've ever written...and I've written ODD. This is a comedy involving two OCs, Seto Kaiba, and Yami Bakura. NOT A ROMANCE, MAJOR CRACK-FIC. Please enjoy the humour. And the blood. Yeeeessss...blood  tee-hee!
1. Chapter 1

**I don't even...I just...I wanted to do something fun. This was fun. It involves two of my favourite OCs (just...WAT?) hanging out with Yami Bakura and Seto Kaiba. No way in _hell_ is there any romance, so if you're here for that...prepare to laugh your ass off anyways. Please enjoy this! (By the way, only this first chappy mentions Hogwarts and whatnot. This ain't no cross-over, after all).**

There they were: on the Hogwarts Express.  
>There they were: two odd little girls.<br>...Well, they were both short.  
>One of them, a very skinny girl with a tendency to where dark clothing and lots of make-up, dark-brown hair, very pale skin and light brown eyes, tapped her foot as they stood in the isle of the train. "Where the <em>hell<em> are we supposed sit?" She demanded at the elder (yet shorter) girl.  
>The other, a girl also with a tendency to dress in dark clothes, dark brown hair in a ponytail and dark brown eyes hidden behind oval glasses shrugged. "I dunno, Sadee," she replied. "I can't find anyplace on this damned train to sit but who cares?" The girl's eyes sparkled in delight. "WE'RE ON A STEAM-TRAIN!" The girl dashed away, laughing manically all the way.<br>'Sadee' shook her head in disbelief. "God-dammit, Laura..." She began following the small (and slightly chubby) girl in a much more sedate pace.  
>'Laura' flew through the train cars, causing many heads to turn in her direction (mostly because she was babbling in tongues). Sadee followed and tried to avoid the stares.<br>_*Oh god why does she **always** have to do this?*_ she thought.  
>Somewhere near the rear of the train, Laura had stopped in front of one of the compartments. She turned to Sadee and waved her over. "Come on!" She called, cupping her hands around her mouth. "I don't hear anyone in there; I think it's free!"<br>Sadee sighed and walked up to Laura. "Well, did you _check_ first?" she asked.  
>Laura shook her head. "That is what I shall do now!" She opened the door...<br>...to see Seto Kaiba and Bakura sitting across from each-other.  
>Laura and Sadee just stared.<br>And stared.  
>The boys stared back.<br>Sadee lifted up a hand. "Hi."  
>Laura poked her head into the compartment. "Um, could we join you?" She asked. "Everywhere else is full."<br>Bakura sighed. "Let me guess," he grumbled in distaste. "Fan-girls?"  
>The girls seemed taken aback. Kaiba seemed very interested in the passing scenery.<br>"We are _not_ fan-girls," replied Sadee. She pointed at Laura. "She's close, but she'll deny it."  
>Laura narrowed her eyes at Sadee. "Shut. Up. Or I will make you immortal!"<br>Sadee stuck her tongue out at her.  
>"So what exactly are you?" Bakura asked suspiciously. "You're not Mary-Sues, are you?"<br>Laura glared at him. "Oh _hell_ no," she said. "That was cruel."  
>"We're more like self-inserts," added Sadee.<br>Bakura sighed. "Well, I suppose that as long as you're not fan-girls you may as well sit."  
>Laura smiled and stepped inside, sitting as far away from the boys as possible. The little girl can be awkward sometimes.<br>Sadee slapped the back of her head. "Stop being such a shy little fan-girl," she snapped as she sat next to Bakura. Laura glared back. "I'm _not_ a fan-girl," she growled. "I'm a fan-_boy_."  
>Kaiba's head snapped around. "Wait, fan...boy?" He asked in confusion.<br>"Aren't you...female?" Asked Bakura cautiously.  
>Laura bobbed her head. "Yeah. At least, I was the last time I checked."<br>Bakura sighed. "What the bloody hell is _that_ supposed to mean?"  
>Sadee shook her head. "Well...she's not obsessed with a particular guy from fiction (so she says), but she's a vidya-game freak."<br>The boys gave her blank stares. Kaiba cleared his throat. "And...that makes her a fan-_boy_?"  
>Laura shrugged. "Hey, I'm not the one who came up with the term. I've always been called a fan-boy."<br>The boys left that where it was.  
>Bakura sighed. "So, why are you here, anyways?"<br>Sadee shrugged. "Why do you think? I was given an excuse to get away from my family and I took it."  
>Laura grinned. "We got the letters and what-not. I don't get it; we're both 16, it makes no sense, but ya know what? We're going to Hogwarts! I'm happy."<br>Sadee groaned. "You're _always_ happy," she said. "It gives me head-aches."  
>Seto turned to look out the window again.<br>"What is the point of this whole thing, anyways?" He asked in a bored tone. "We've all gotten letters to this school for 'magic' and what-have-you, _and_ apparently after many others would have gotten letters. Plus, why a school in Britain? Wouldn't there be 'magic' schools in our own countries?"  
>Laura shrugged. "The authoress wanted an ice-breaker. And she needed a reason to describe Sadee and I, seeing as she normally skimps on details like that."<br>Bakura sighed. "What, she needed an excuse to put us together so that we would be familiar with each-other?" He asked. "Are we even going to be at that school for any extended period?"  
>Sadee shrugged. "I doubt it."<br>Laura nodded. "Yeah, I don't think we are."  
>Bakura sighed, then glared to the left. "And how many time is she going to say 'Bakura sighed'?" He growled. "It's getting quite annoying."<br>"That's probably the point," muttered Kaiba, scowling out the window.  
>Laura shrugged. "I dunno. Mayhaps."<br>Then a plump old 'witch' began calling out to the compartments that she had sweets for sale. Laura and Bakura's bellies made loud grumbling sounds at the thought of food and Sadee's made a tiny little hiccup-like sound.  
>Laura frowned. "I'm broke...I spent all of my money at Weasley Wizard Weases and Flourish and Blotts.."<br>Sadee shrugged. "I got nothin'. I spent it all at Apothecary."  
>Bakura sighed (and glared to the left again). "And I spent all of my money in Knockturn Alley..."<br>They turned to look at Kaiba, whose stomach also seemed to be making the noises of hunger. He caught their stares and sighed. "Let me guess," he began. "Just because I'm the only one that didn't spend their money on joke-shop items, books, potion ingredients, and whatever questionable items there are in Knockturn Alley, _I_ should pay for you all to eat?"  
>"No," replied Bakura. "You should pay for us because you are rich."<br>Kaiba tutted in disgust and called the trolley-lady over. He bought a large number of Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, some licorice wands, chocolate frogs, sugar quills, and a number of other odd things. He glared at the other three. "I didn't buy any of this for you," he said. "But I suppose you could have whatever is left over."  
>Bakura rolled his eyes at Sadee. "He seems to enjoy flaunting his money at any opportunity," he stage-whispered. Sadee chuckled. Kaiba ate a few of the confections he had purchased, forcing the other three watch as he ate before he gave up any of the other food. Laura immediately began to tear open a package of Bertie-Botts Every Flavoured Beans. She held out a handful. "Anyone dare to try?" She said with a smirk.<br>The others looked at her hand suspiciously. "Do they really mean _every_ flavour?" Asked Kaiba.  
>Laura nodded. "Yep."<br>Sadee grinned. "Here, lemme try one of those." She picked up a small grey-white bean and popped it into her mouth.  
>And began to gag.<br>"What was it?" Laura asked, holding back a chuckle. Or two.  
>Sadee gagged some more and shuddered in disgust. "I don't know but I think it was rotting fish..." she groaned.<br>Nobody would touch the beans after that, and they sat in relative silence until the train arrived at Hogsmeade station.

**0o0o0**

"...and now, after this initial sorting, I'd like to welcome four new students that have been brought here under rather unusual circumstances," Dumbledore was saying. "I hope that, whichever house that they may land in, they are treated with the same kindness and respect as you would treat your other house-mates."  
>Laura looked about the Great-Hall in awe. "Sadee," she hissed, tugging on the sleeve of the other girl's robe. "This place is amazing! So...so much..." The small girl drifted off into a dreamy state.<br>Sadee shook the girl. "Stay awake; we're about to be sorted."  
>Professor McGonagall unfolded a small piece of parchment and cleared her throat. "Bakura, Ryou!" She called.<br>Bakura grumbled. "Of _course_ I'm the first one to face the humiliation..."  
>He sat upon the three-legged stool and McGonagall lowered the hat to his head.<br>The tear in the hat that was it's mouth opened, and the hat called out:  
>"THE FIFTH HOUSE OF OSIRIS!"<br>Laura removed her glasses so that she could face-palm properly. The then glared at...uh, me.  
>"Come on!" She yelled at...me... "Could you be any more cliche? <em>Fifth<em> house? Drache!"  
>Um...I shrugged back at her. "What can <em>you<em> do about it? You are _my_ characters and this is _my_ story; I can do with it whatever I damn-well please."  
>Laura shut her mouth and glared.<br>McGonagall tsked. "If you're all quite done," she said.  
>"Sorry," I called out.<br>She shook her head and muttered something about 'breaking the fourth wall'. "We're going to need another table," she stated. "Mr. Filch, if you would please go and fetch the small round table for our fifth house?"  
>Filch muttered darkly under his breath and walked away.<br>McGonagall cleared her throat again and looked at the paper. "Kaiba, Seto!" She called.  
>Kaiba walked slowly towards the stool and glared at it. He seemed to be debating whether or not he should complain about the damned thing. You could almost see the gears grinding in his mind as he went back and forth on this decision, and-<br>He shot me a glare. "Get one with it," he hissed.  
>Sheesh. Fine...<br>Kaiba finally decided that it would be best if he sat down (seeing as poor Professor McGonagall would never have been able to reach his head otherwise) and the professor carefully placed the hat upon his head.  
>Once again, the hat called out "OSIRIS!"<br>Laura looked ready to complain again, but I shot her a glare and she shut her mouth.  
>I think I'll take this time to just skip the sorting, as you probably all know that all four of them had been sorted into the Fifth House of Osiris. They all sat at a round table placed dead-center in the dining hall. They sat in this order: Bakura, Kaiba, Laura, and Mercedes (um, Sadee). They sat and 'patiently' waited for supper to begin.<br>When suddenly, the food appeared on the table.  
>Kaiba seemed ruffled by the sudden appearance of the food. "Where did it come from?" He asked as he suspiciously poked at the steak-and-kidney pie. "Was it sent up through a new kind of technology?"<br>Laura and Sadee shared a look and laughed. "Uh-uh, Seto," Laura said, ignoring the annoyed look he gave her when she used his given name. "House-elves cooked the food in the dungeons below and placed all of it on tables that are exactly the same as the ones up here. When it's time for us to eat, the food is sent up by magic."  
>Kaiba gave her a look that told her <em>exactly<em> how stupid that sounded to him. "I suppose I'm supposed to believe that, right?"  
>Mercedes sighed. "It may sound silly, but she's telling the truth, Seto."<br>Bakura seemed to be entirely unconcerned as to how the food got to the table and proceeded to scoop large spoonfuls of blood-pudding onto his plate.  
>After the final traces of food had magically dissipated into thin air, Dumbledore stood to address the students. "Well, now that we have all been fed and watered," he began. "I have a few things I'd like to announce before I send you all off to be-"<br>He was interrupted by the doors of the Great-Hall swinging open. A tall man with long, silver-white hair wearing a red suit walked in.  
>"I'm terribly sorry I'm late," said Pegasus. "You wouldn't <em>believe<em> the trouble I had to go through to get here."  
>"Ah," Said Dumbledore. "It appears that one of the important things that I had wished to inform you of has appeared- albeit late. May I all introduce you to Professor Pegasus J. Crawford, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."<br>The students at the Osiris table stood up simultaneously.  
>"I'm out," called Sadee, who quickly walked out of the hall.<br>Laura followed her. "Same here."  
>Kaiba scowled and followed suit.<br>Bakura sighed (and glared again). But he followed the other three.  
>Once out of the castle, the four exchanged looks.<br>Kaiba took a breath. "I don't care how much the damned authoress wants this to continue on, but there's now way in _hell_ I'm staying in the same castle as _that_ man."  
>Sadee shuddered in disgust. "I know," she said. "That man...he's just...ugh."<br>Laura looked out at the lake. "I agree whole-heartedly," she said. She looked up sadly at the castle. "But...I wish we could've stayed. No matter how cliched the story would've ended up being."  
>I glared down at Laura and she glared back. "What, it's <em>true<em>!" She yelled.  
>Bakura tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Laura...you said something on the train about spending most of your money at the joke-shop, right?" He asked.<br>She nodded slowly, then a grin began to form on her face as she realized what he was implying. "Oh, so I suppose you'd like to have a little _fun_ before we go?" She asked.  
>Bakura smirked. "Why, of course," he said.<br>Sadee smirked. "Laura, just what did you get at the Weasley shop...?" She asked.  
>Laura shuffled around in her pack for a moment, showing all of her teeth in a manic grin.<br>"Just the right combination of items to make the Weasley twins proud."  
>Kaiba tilted his head to the side. "And what kind of combination would that be?" He asked, curious in spite of his indifferent nature.<p>

The grin on Laura's face was so broad it was surprising that her head didn't just split in half. "Well, Seto," she began. "I think you'll actually enjoy this; you see, it involves a multitude of fireworks that fly about in the shape of dragons..."


	2. And a Firetruck

**So, this is the second part to Something Ridiculously Odd. It's...odd, eh? Enjoy!**

Bakura slowly and meticulously cleaned the blood off of his bowie-knife with a rag, smiling and whistling a merry tune as he did so. Marik sat on the floor nearby, examining the chaos that had recently ensued with a careful eye.  
>Body-parts of firemen lay strewn across the floor, blood painting the once grey-white concrete a deep crimson. He looked up at Bakura, who was still cleaning his blade.<br>"Don't you think you may have overdone it slightly?" He asked. "I mean, look at this mess: how are we supposed to make use of their uniforms now? Everything's in pieces!"  
>Bakura sighed, his smile slowly fading into a scowl. He tossed the blood-stained rag on the floor and glared at the seated tomb-keeper. "Really Marik, must you always be such a killjoy?" He growled. "Yes, I'm aware that I've- quite literally0 made a bloody mess of this. But I enjoyed doing it. Can't you just leave it at that?"<br>Marik stood up. "If I remember correctly, this little excursion that you planned involved us posing as fir-fighters." He crossed his arms. "We're going to have a _great_ time trying to convince people of that, dressed as we are."  
>Bakura sighed again and pointed at a wall with his knife. On said wall were two clean uniforms. Marik stared.<br>"Ah," he said simply. "Well then, shall we go?"  
>Bakura smirked and grabbed a helmet and placed it atop his head. "What kind of question is that?" He asked. "As it is, we're already gone."<p>

**0o0o0**

*Later...*

**0o0o0**

Driving along the streets in their hijacked fire-truck, Marik and Bakura were having a jolly good time. However, something nagged at the back of Marik's mind as he steered the truck. He glanced at Bakura, who had a mega-phone in his lap. "Bakura?" he began tentatively.  
>"Yes, Marik?" Replied the homicidal spirit.<br>"As much fun as this is, I really must know why: why did you feel the urge to hijack a fire-truck?"  
>Bakura grinned. It was a very evil-looking grin: the kind of grin that made even the bravest of souls consider cowering in fear before it.<br>"Well Marik," he replied. "I'm quite glad you finally asked. You see, the one and only reason I decided to go about doing this was so that I could do one thing."  
>Marik raised an eyebrow. "What...thing?"<br>Bakura grinned even wider. "I wanted to do this."  
>At that, he rolled down the window beside him, turned on the megaphone to max, leaned out the window and shouted this into the device:<br>"**NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!**"

**0o0o0**

Somewhere, in the distance, a girl named Mercedes doubled over in an insane fit of laughter, her friend Laura looking on in amusement. "Hehe," she chuckled. "So Bakura actually went through with it..."


	3. Boredom

**Meheh...I really like writing these. So...what happens when a rich, teenaged CEO gets bored...?**

Seto Kaiba was bored.  
>This should, under no circumstances, be considered a good thing. All kinds of thoughts were bouncing about withing the mind of the teen CEO.<br>Rather interesting things, actually.  
>He sat behind his desk in his office, leaned back in his chair, and sighed. He'd finished all of the immediately necessary work for the week and most of the less important tasks; what he needed was some...entertainment. Unfortunately, his normal source of entertainment (i.e. Laura making a fool of herself in public) was currently unavailable. Something about her acquiring some new fireworks...<br>Suddenly, he was struck by a rather interesting idea.  
>He pressed the intercom button on his desk. "Send up the two most unruly workers we have employed here," he ordered calmly. "I have a...job...for them."<br>Within minutes, two overlarge and under-washed men entered his office. Seto absently wondered how they managed to land jobs in the corporation. He shook the thought away. It didn't matter; these two would do _perfectly_ for what he had in mind.  
>"Gentlemen," he began, lacing his fingers together in front of him. "I have a job for you: it's fairly simple; all I want is for you two to fight."<br>The men exchanged a glance. "You...want us to fight," one of them said incredulously. Seto wondered if the man even knew the word 'incredulous', but once again brushed away such thoughts.  
>He nodded to the man. "Yes, I believe that is what I just asked of you," he replied.<br>"What's in it for us?" The other man asked.  
>Seto smirked and pulled out his wallet. He opened it slowly, noting the sudden appearance of piggish greed lighting up the upon the faces of both men. He flipped through the highly-marked bills. "Well," he said when he was finished counting. "Whoever wins will get the contents of this wallet; roughly ¥85,000." He tossed the wallet on the floor, perfectly dead-center between the men. They both stared at the wallet with something akin to lust.<br>Seto knocked on his desk to call back their attention. Their heads whipped back up; one of them had their mouth open. "Does that sound fair?" He asked them.  
>Both men glanced back at the wallet hungrily, then they looked at each-other. "I'd say that sounds fair," said the first man.<br>"So do I," agreed the second.  
>Seto leaned back in his chair. "Well?" He said.<br>The two men before him immediately began to brawl. Blood and pieces of teeth and other such things began to fly about the office.  
>Seto chuckled and sat back with his feet up on his desk, relaxed, and enjoyed the show. <em>*Perhaps I should pull the footage from the cameras so that I can watch this again,*<em> he thought. Another thought occurred to him. _*And perhaps I'll send a copy of it to Mercedes and Laura; they're sure to enjoy this.*_  
>Then he shifted slightly and the heel of his boot hit a button on the desk. Somewhere close by, somebody began to scream in pure agony.<br>Seto chuckled again. "Oops," he said as one of the men put the other into a full headlock. "I forgot about that button; sorry, Wheeler..."  
>But of course, his tone of voice <span>clearly<span> stated that he couldn't have been less sorry, or in more of a good mood.  
>"Today is a good day," he said contentedly.<p> 


	4. Some Bloody good Fun

Some Bloody-good Fun

**0o0o0**

Bakura and Mercedes were walking around down-town one night. Bakura was bored, and he said as much to Mercedes, who replied: "Well, what do you want _me_ to do about it? I'm bored, too." Bakura tapped his chin thoughtfully. "We could alway cause some mayhem," he said with a shrug. "That's alway enjoyable."  
>Mercedes shrugged back. "Yeah, but Laura's not here; it'll be too much of a pain-in-the-ass to do anything major without her to instigate." Bakura sighed. "True," he agreed. He thought for a moment longer. "How about we tear somebody apart?" he suggested. "That's always good for alleviating boredom." Mercedes grinned at him. "Oh, that sounds absolutely <em>delightful<em>," she said. "So, who should it be?"  
>Bakura shrugged. "Spin around blind. The first person that you see that we deem worthy of our...entertainment...will be the one we play with."<br>Mercedes's grin broadened. "Alright, give me a moment." She closed her eyes and began turning in place. After a few rotations, she opened her eyes to see a man in a yellow shirt throwing his latte at a passing car. He caught her watching and whistled at her, then turned away. Mercedes shuddered in disgust and pointed the man out to Bakura. "That guy," she said simply. "Let's tear open his stomach, mess around with his organs, and dance about in his blood."  
>Bakura grinned and pulled out his bowie-knife. "You always seem to have the best pre-descriptions for what we should do," he said. They walked up to the man, who still had his back to them. Bakura cleared his throat and tapped the man's shoulder. The man turned around and smirked at them. "Hello, ladies," (Bakura shuddered in rage and disgust). "Are you looking for some<em>fun<em> tonight? Because I'm _totally_ up for a three-some if _you're_ the other two."  
>Bakura managed (with some difficulty) to grin back. "Actually," he began. "We <em>are<em> looking for some fun. However, I'm afraidour definition of fun is astronomically different from yours."  
>The man looked confused. "Astro-what now?"<br>Mercedes sighed. "He means that we're going to rip you open, tear out your organs, kill you, then dance in your bloody remains," she clarified. At that point, Bakura deftly slid his knife into the man's side. The man coughed and spat up blood. "Wait..._he_? Wha's goin'..." Then he realized what had just happened. And he _screamed_. Bakura showed all of his teeth in a wicked grin and grabbed the man's arm, twisting it behind his back and pulling the knife as he moved. The man shrieked and howled in agony as his blood spilled everywhere. Mercedes was giggling manically. "Come on, Bakura! My turn!" Bakura stepped to the side, pulling out his knife. His shirt-front was completely soaked in blood. He gave a small bow. "Terribly sorry," he said. "I wasn't aware that I was hogging our toy."  
>Mercedes giggled and skipped up to the man. "Hiya," she said. Then she stuck her hands into his gaping wound and <em>pulled<em>. The man screamed louder and louder, then he fainted.  
>"That man obviously had no back-bone," noted Bakura. Mercedes nodded in agreement, then dug her hands further into the unconscious man's body.<br>"Hey, I think I got his liver!" She called. "She pulled out the large, bloody organ out of the body in a series of sharp tugs. Then she threw it at Bakura's head.  
>The meaty structure slowly slid down his face, leaving a trail of blood in it's wake. He wiped the blood out of his eyes and grinned evilly at her. "So that's how it is, eh?" He reached inside of the man and pulled out a lung, which he threw at Mercedes. Who caught it.<br>"Ew, look at this thing!" She cried, pulling apart the lung. "It's all _black_ inside, look!"  
>Bakura peered over her shoulder. "The man must have smoked quite a lot," he said. "That's...disgusting."<br>Mercedes nodded, then grabbed his shoulder and smeared his back with the tar-clotted lung.  
>Bakura shuddered in disgust and danced away, dragging the body along with him. He pulled out two structers- the pancreas and the spleen- and ran on back to her. He then proceeded to squeeze the contents of the two organs over her head, covering her in blood and liquidized tissue.<br>Mercedes shook her head. "Dude, _not_ cool!" she yelled. Then she dashed over to the body. She reached inside of the man's chest-cavity and yanked out the heart, pulled back her arm to throw it-  
>-only to have it snatched out of her hand by a flying Laura.<br>The small girl dashed away, laughing shrilly. "My heart!" she yelled. Bakura and Mercedes shook their heads in wonder. "What just...?" Bakura half-asked.  
>Mercedes shrugged. "I don't even..."<br>Then Bakura pulled out the body's the other lung and threw it at Mercedes. She narrowed her eyes. "Oh, it is _on_."  
>Then they went back to their organ-fight, all thoughts of Laura and what she might be doing with the heart flying from their minds.<p> 


	5. Down with the Sues!

**So. I'm not really a fan of Mary-Sue characters. Oh, and all of the Sues in this chappy are based off of actual Sues I've read of in fanfictions. Sad, isn't it? (Read in Katz from Katz Candy voice).**

**Down with the Sues!**

_In a random ware-house...somewhere..._

There they were: Mary-sues. One, a girl with cat-ears. Another with an 'Eight Millennium Item'. A third, a girl that apparently had psychic powers and control over the elements. All lined up like pigs to a slaughter.  
>Bakura couldn't've asked for a better set-up.<br>Whipping out his bowie-knife, Bakura approached the first Sue, the one with the ridiculous cat-ears. "Hello!" She squealed freakishly. "My name is Star. I loooove you lotttts! I like-" Bakura grabbed the girl by one of her cat-ears and shook her. "Just what the hell are you?" He asked. "Some kind of mutation?"  
>The girl cried out in pain. "I-I'm a cat-demon!" She shouted. Bakura's ears rang. "That's quite enough out of you," he said. Then he sliced off the cat-ears and shoved them down her throat, cutting her off mid-scream. The girl tried to reach into her mouth to remove her severed ears and Bakura sighed. "Will you not just <em>die<em>?" He muttered in irritation. He walked behind her and grabbed her hair, forcing her face forward so that the back of her neck was exposed. He twisted his knife as he searched for just where he should insert the knife.  
>"Ah, there it is..." he murmured. "Sues have far to much hair..." He then slid his knife into the back of her skull, killing her instantly. The other Sues, being Sues, were quite oblivious to the girl's death.<br>Bakura smiled wickedly and tapped his bloodied knife against his leg in a playful manner. _*Alright, who's next...?*_  
>The second Sue approached him and stuck out a hand. "My name's Sarah," she said. "I own the Eight Millennium Item (which is not described in any detail whatsoever because my creator is ridiculously unimaginative and unoriginal) and am from the village of Kul-Elna and seek revenge against the Pharaoh, just like y-aaaaAARGH!"<br>Bakura had sliced off her proffered hand, blade jarring slightly against the bones in her arm. Tears welled up in her eyes as she clutched her bleeding stump. "Why did you do that?" She cried. "We're soul-" Bakura grabbed her face with one hand.  
>"If you were about to say 'soul-mates'," he began, his voice dripping venom, "I suggest you start praying to whatever daft fool that created you (in what was probably a drug-induced stupor) to save your sorry excuse for a life." He pressed his thumb into her eyes, delighting in her screams of agony as he added more and more pressure, until finally the 'golden orb' popped like an old grape. Vitreous humor and tears and blood leaked down her face as she howled in pain.<br>Bakura grinned maliciously and stared into her remaining eye. "Does that hurt, then?" He whispered. The little Sue nodded. "Good," he said, before digging his knife into her gut and dragging it _uuuuuppp_. Her innards spilled out of the gaping wound, along with the contents of said innards (he had inadvertently cut into her intestines).  
>Bakura chuckled to himself. "I suppose all Sues are alike," he said. "Idiotic, unbelievable, and unnecessarily full of shit." He turned to the final Sue. "And then there was one..."<br>The Sue stood proud and tall. "My name is Emily," she said. "I am the reincarnation of a female body-guard to the Pharaoh, and also the former lover of Priest Seto. I can read minds and fly using telekinesis, plus manipulate the elements around me with ease." She glared at Bakura. "Since I was not created for _you_, but instead for my beloved Seto, do not think I will be so easy to kill."  
>Bakura snorted. "Seto Kaiba? I highly doubt that he'd take you-"<br>"SILENCE, FOOL!" The Sue commanded. A strong wind whipped around her. "I SHALL NOT TOLERATE YOUR DISBELIEF IN MY DESTINY!"  
><em>*I'm pretty sure that, just for that last word, that Kaiba will most definitely not take you on,*<em> thought Bakura unnecessarily.  
>The Sue began to rise up into the air. "FEEL MY WRA-" And she was cut short as a bullet tore through her skull, sending bits of skull and grey-matter all over the place. Standing over the fallen and very inert body was Mercedes, holding a smoking pistol. "Well," she said. "That was fun." She grinned at Bakura. "I think that I just did Seto a bit of a favour. Yeeeessss..." Her grin widened. "Now he owes me..."<br>Bakura shrugged. "_I_ could have taken care of that wench on my own, you know," he said. Mercedes nodded and giggled. "Yeah, I know," she replied. "But I thought it would be best to get this over with quickly, ya know? Especially what with the whole 'psychic' girl and whatnot. She could've flown to Kaiba Corp. if we'd let her live for too long."  
>Bakura nodded. "I see, that does make sense." He sighed. "But look at this mess! It shall take forever to clean up..."'<br>Mercedes tutted. "Clean? Why would you wanna clean this up?" Then her grin returned. "Hey, Bakura..." she whispered. Bakura sighed; this couldn't be good (but that meant that it would most likely be fun). "What, Mercedes?"  
>Mercedes started bouncing up and down. "Let's tear out there hearts and turn them into squirt-gunnnnnsss!" She shrieked in one delighted breath.<br>Bakura grinned wickedly. "That sounds like a bloo-"  
>All of a sudden, Laura caught his eye. She had evidently torn out the hearts from all three Sues while he and Mercedes had been talking. She now clutched the hearts to her and began to back away slowly. "My hearts!" She hissed. Mercedes huffed and held out her hand. "Give us at <em>least<em> one, Laura," she demanded. "C'mon, it's only fair."  
>Laura's eyes darted about her frantically. Then she dashed out of what appeared to be a pre-assigned bolt-hole. "My hearts!" She yelled as she escaped. Mercedes growled. "Goddammit, Laura!" She ran after the girl. "I was gonna make those into squirt-guns!"<p>

Bakura sighed and smiled. This promised to be most enjoyable...  
>He then chased after the two girls, not caring that he was stepping on the innards of the three dead Sues.<br>That was all a part of the fun, after all.


	6. Worth the Mess

**Enjoy the blood!**

_In another random ware-house...somewhere..._

The girl's name was Raven. And she was a Mary-Sue.  
>Laura sat back in her wooden chair and sighed. "They always seem okay at first," she said to Seto. "But they alway turn out to be annoying little prisses in the end."<br>Seto nodded in agreement, staring calmly and cooly at the Mary-Sue bound to a chair, her over-large mouth stuffed with a dirty sock that served as a rather affective gag. He looked back at Laura. "Would you like to start this, or shall I?" He asked.  
>Laura grinned and pulled out a green-finished gurkha kukri knife. "Clarice and I get firsties this time," she replied, tilting her head at the knife dubbed 'Clarice'. "After all, <em>you<em> had the honour last time." Seto chuckled. "Ah, yes, now I remember..." He closed his eyes and smiled. reminiscing about the last Sue they'd captured...  
>He opened his eyes again. "There had been a lot of blood in <em>that<em> one," he said. "It was a real pain to clean it all up..."  
>Laura giggled. "Yeah, it really was..." She then stood up and walked over to the Sues, swinging her kukri joyously as she walked. She pulled out the dirty sock and the Sue immediately began to sob and cry for her 'boy-friend', her 'Bakura-chan'. Laura glared in disgust at the girl. "Hey bitch," she snapped, swiping at the Sue's face with 'Clarice' and scratching a thin line into her cheek. "Grow a pair, why don't 'chya?"<br>"Now, now, Laura," called Seto. "You are an _intelligent_ being; I'm sure you can come up with an insult considerably less vulgar with ease."  
>Laura smiled and shrugged at him. "Oops. Sorry about that Seto. I forgot how much you <em>detest<em> it when I curse." During this exchange, Raven seemed to have noticed she was bleeding.  
>"My face!" She wailed shrilly. "My beautiful face! Surely my beloved Bakura will find my disfiguring wounds and scars hideous!"<br>Laura scowled at the whining Sue. "Wow, you really don't know anything about Bakura, do you? He'd probably view your...'scars'...as an improvement, if anything."  
>The Sue looked stunned and insulted. "Of <em>course<em> I know about my Bakura!" She shrieked. "He and I are _soul-mates_!"  
>This made Laura and Seto glance at each-other. Then they burst out laughing.<br>The Sue began to cry in earnest. "Wh-why are you l-laughing?" She howled through unnaturally large and shiny tears. "It's t-true!"  
>Seto snorted. "Yeah, and I'm the Tooth-Fairy. This girl here is my associate, the Easter-Bunny."<br>"Seto!" Wheezed Laura, who was doubled over from laughing. "Wh-what h-have I said about revealing our secret identities?"  
>Seto smirked. "Like this fool would even remember," he responded. "I doubt she even has two brain-cells to rub together."<br>The Sue sniffed. "Just wait until my Bakura-chan gets here," she whined. "He'll set you two straight!"  
>Laura chuckled. "Yeah, <em>that's<em> for sure," she said, rolling her eyes. "Though if you call him 'chan' to his face, he'll probably spill your organs out on the floor, fry them up, and serve them on silver-platters at a masquerade Cannibals' Convention. And I can't promise that I wouldn't be there."  
>Seto gave Laura a strange look and she chuckled. "Sorry, Seto," she said. "I 'forgot' that you don't like me talking about my possible cannibalistic tendencies around you."<br>The tall man/boy/thing sighed and shuffled uncomfortably. "Try not to 'forget' again, alright?" He asked. "It's a rather disturbing topic."  
>"And torture isn't?" Countered Laura. He shrugged. "I can handle torture," he replied. "The consumption of human flesh is another matter altogether."<br>The small girl shrugged, still ignoring the frightened Sue behind her, whose eyes seemed to be growing larger and larger with each word spoken over her. "He wouldn't," she said, shaking her pretty little head in disbelief. "My Bakura-chan wouldn't do such a gruesome thing; I mean, yes, he kills people, but he wouldn't _eat_ them."  
>Laura tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm...in truth, I wouldn't peg him as a cannibal," she admitted. "But I wouldn't put it past him. As for simply cooking people? He's done it before. I shou-" Seto shot her another glance and she shut her mouth. Then he began to tap his foot impatiently. "Do you think we could hurry this up, Laura?" He asked. "I have things to do, places to be, et cetera."<br>Laura sighed. "Fiiine..." She looked back at the Sue. "You're lucky," she said in a wicked tone. "I could have given you to Mercedes and Bakura, and they'd-" But she was cut off by a harsh gasp.  
>"Who's Mercedes?" Demanded the Sue. "Is she Bakura's...<em>other woman<em>? Is my Bakura..._cheating_ on me? Is this what this is all about?"  
>Laura sighed in exasperation. "Ya know, I <em>was<em> think about having a little bit of fun before I offed you, but now..." She shrugged. "I dunno; you're a bit too annoying...even for a Sue." She cut the Sue from collar to hip in a long, diagonal slash using the oddly-shaped knife. The Sue let out a shrill cry of agony, and Laura then proceeded to slip the kukri carefully beneath the Sue's sternum.  
>Seto raised an eyebrow at the small girl. "Going right to killing her, eh?" He commented. "So I don't get a turn?"<br>The Sue's shrieks suddenly died out as Laura succeeded in fully removing her heart. Blood covered her shirt (which was black, so it didn't really show at the moment) along with her arms up to her elbows. She turned around and shrugged and looked up at the man/boy/thing. "I'll let you have the next one to yourself; how does that sound?"  
>Seto chuckled in response. "I suppose that's fair..." Then he pointed at the heart in Laura's hand. "Why do you always remove the hearts? I've spoken to Mercedes and Bakura; they seem irritated with your habit of showing up and removing the hearts from the bodies before they can have any...'fun'...with them."<br>Laura smiled impishly at him and winked. "That's for me to know and for you and others to puzzle over for the rest of eternity," she replied. Then she looked down at herself. "Aw, crap. I've got that gross-o Sue's blood all over me..."  
>Seto shook his head, amused despite himself, then snapped his fingers to summon up the clean-up crew. "Ah, but her silence was worth the mess, wasn't it?" He asked.<br>Laura nodded energetically. "Yeah, I guess it was," she agreed. "Then again, it normally is."


	7. Mortal Enemies

**Okay, guys! Here's the next installment of SRO! Enjoy!**

For no reason that could easily be explained, Seto Kaiba, Mercedes, and Laura were sitting in front of three computer screens, doing their own different things. While Seto was working, Laura was browsing Deviantart and Mercedes was floating around the forums of 4chan.  
>Suddenly, Laura let out a loud curse. "DAMMIT! Not a-freakin'-gain!" She spat. Seto and Mercedes peeked at her screen curiously. It read: 'Internal Server Error'. Mercedes raised an eyebrow. "Really Laura? Freaking out over <em>that<em>?"  
>Laura spun around in her chair to face her. "Of course I'm freaking out!" She shook her fist at the screen. "You know how often this happens to me? A lot!" She narrowed her eyes at the screen. "Curse thee, mine mortal enemy..." Then she sat back in her chair with a huff. Seto shot a questioning look at Mercedes, who simply shrugged. Withing five minutes of returning to their respective screens, however, Mercedes let out a low growl.<br>"Fuck," she hissed. "Goddammit, /b/...you've gotta be kidding me..."  
>Seto looked over at Mercedes's screen. It read showed a picture of a little girl with green hair in four pig-tails and read '404 file not found'. He looked over at Laura, who had recovered from her slump. "What is she upset about?"<br>Laura shrugged. "Hell if I know. 4chan is not my site of choice. Honestly, I try to avoid it at all costs."  
>He stared blankly at her. "Is it really that bad...?" He asked tentatively (or his version of tentatively).<br>Mercedes glared at both of them. "Only to those who haven't desensitized themselves to the horrors of the internet," she snapped. "Laura's just a weakling when it comes to 4chan."  
>Laura hissed sharply. "That site is just...whhhyyy?"<br>Mercedes shook her head in disgust. "Anyways, I was enjoying that thread, and it was even on the front page! There's no _way_ it should be 404ing..." She sat back from the screen and steamed for a bit. "I have a _bone_ to pick with those damn 404 pages..." she muttered darkly.  
>Seto shrugged it off and returned to his work. Suddenly, his screen went blue.<br>He couldn't help it. Maybe it was from having Laura and Mercedes around so often, maybe it was from lack of sleep; who knows? Anyways, there was nothing for it; he had to say it-  
>"Curses. Thwarted by my mortal enemy once again."<br>Laura and Mercedes looked up in shock at the words that he had just uttered, then looked over at his screen. "Okay, this is going a _bit_ far," commented Laura.  
>"Somebody's screwing us over," added Mercedes.<br>Seto nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and I think I know who it might be..."  
>Laura chewed on her lip. "Yeah, but what can you do about it? All the computers are down..."<br>Seto smirked in response, then pulled a brief-case out from beneath his desk. "What, did you expect me to not have a back-up for occasions like this?" He asked. He opened the brief-case and pulled out a laptop. "Now," he continued. "Let's see just who has been messing around with my tech..."

**0o0o0**  
><em>Somewhere else...<em>

"Hahahah," laughed the man known as Pegasus. "Now that was most entertaining..."  
>He sipped on his wine as he watched the three teens through the screen in front of him. They all seemed quite flustered. He observed Kaiba as his expression went from irritated to understanding to...what was that? Was he...<em>smirking<em>? He watched as he pulled out a laptop from a brief-case that was apparently stored beneath the computer desk. Kaiba began to type rapidly, his fingers gliding across the keyboard.  
>"Hmmm..." said Pegasus, narrowing his eye. "I wonder what Kaiba-boy is up to...?"<br>Suddenly, his screen was filled with white-noise. Through the snowy image, a shape began to form:  
>The Kaiba Corp. logo.<br>Pegasus hissed in distaste. "Well played, Kaiba-boy," he muttered. "Well played...


	8. And he did mean War

**Heya, folks! Hey, this is gonna be the last one for a while, so...if there's anyone reading this, you'll have to wait 'til the next one. Anywho, enjoy this chappy!**

It was not a good day for Seto Kaiba. Not. At. All.  
>First, he hadn't slept at all the night before. He wasn't quite sure why that was; he just couldn't seem to be able to get to sleep.<br>He found it was easy to blame things like that on Laura.  
>Second, he'd somehow managed to trip over one of Mokuba's toys on his way out of the manor. His white coat had gotten caught on something, and there was now a large gash on one side. Laura had offered to fix it up (apparently she was good with mending clothing. And he supposed she was: according to Mercedes, more than half of her clothing had been mended at some point or another). He'd exchanged the torn coat for his heavier, purple coat before leaving (and allowed Laura to fix his white coat, much to the girl's ill-concealed delight), but he was still rather upset. He really liked that coat.<br>Third, and probably the worst thing at that point, was that Kaiba Corp. had somehow dropped several points in the Stock Exchange overnight. It really put a damper on his already foul mood.  
>He forward over his desk and rubbed his temples. <em>*Great, and now I'm getting a head-ache,*<em> he thought bitterly. He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling of his office. "Can this day get much worse...?" He grumbled.  
>Then, his computer made an odd pinging sound. Her groaned. <em>*I shouldn't've asked...*<em> He looked tentatively at the screen.  
>There, staring back at him, was a crazed dancing cartoon rabbit. "Hey Kaiba! Hey Kaiba! Hey Kaiba!" It sang in it's stupid little voice.<br>Pegasus had hacked his computer. Again.  
>This was the last straw. You can deprive a man of his sleep, you can tear his clothing, you can even make working the next day difficult for him, but you <span>cannot<span> expect him to sit idly by as another man tampered with difficult, complicated computer programming.  
>Seto took this a <span>very<span> personal insult.  
>Something seemed to snap inside the over-stressed teen. Something quite vital to a stable state of mind.<br>He pulled out his spare laptop. "Okay, Pegasus," he muttered darkly. "This means war..."  
>He started to type. And he typed.<br>And typed.  
>And typed.<br>Loud rumbles sounded from outside and he grinned. "Seems like it's working so far," he commented. Then he pushed one final key.  
>"That should do it," he said, leaning back in his chair with his hands laced behind his head. In the distance, gun-shots and explosions could be heard.<br>Then Laura was at his desk.  
>He started. "How did you get in here...?" He asked. The girl tilted her head to the side. "Doors. They are most inviting." She giggled. "Okay, that was sad, I know. But did you know that Bakura and Sadee are...ah...'frolicking' outside? They seem to have taken advantage of the chaos."<br>Seto shrugged. "I'm not surprised," he replied calmly. "I'm more surprised that you're not out there with them."  
>She shrugged in response. "Guns get loud, and the Bloody Two can get...a <em>little<em> carried away in their blood-lust," she explained. "There's a chance I'd get caught in the cross-fire. But I'm still going to go 'collecting' when all's said and done." She looked at him sideways. "But that's not why I'm _really_ here."  
>He raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh?" He said. "Then why, pray tell, <em>are<em> you here?"  
>She crossed her arms. "What did you do?" She asked.<br>He smirked. "Oh, that? Through the power of money and technology, I seem to have started a literal war between Industrial Illusions and a rival company."  
>The sounds of explosions drifted about the office and Laura's face was lit with an orange glow. On said face, a wicked grin was forming. "Oh, you <em>didn't<em>," she said. He chuckled. "Didn't I?" He rejoined. He closed his eyes and began to hum contentedly. "Today wasn't so bad after all..."  
>He heard Laura snort. "Remind me to never get on your bad-side," she commented. He shrugged again, then opened his eyes.<br>She was gone.  
>He let out a sigh and sat back in his chair. The silhouettes of the items in his office were cast upon the floor by some large fire outside. "I may have overdone it a bit," he murmured to himself. There was a lull in the gun-fire and explosions, and he could have sworn that he could hear the shrill psychotic laughter of Mercedes and the deeper, echoing laugh of Bakura as the two went on their mad rampage.<br>Clean up was going to be a pain-in-the-ass, but for the moment...  
>He closed his eyes again and reveled in the moment.<br>"Not a bad day at all..."


End file.
